in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Who died my cat blue again?
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
