well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
