Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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