Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
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