Where did you get a picture of my penis
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
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