i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
