umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
