Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
