i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.�
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
We have started to decorate penises.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
He shit in the fireplace
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
