No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
