ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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