So drunk its hurt
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Randomize
