so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
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