I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
