wanna go halves on a baby?
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
And then he peed in my hair
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