So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
