He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
