Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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