If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
