Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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