Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
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