I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
