you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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