All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
