dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
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