im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
