i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Randomize
