Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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