i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
