I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
