I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
