I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
