he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Randomize
