the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
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