Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
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