It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
