Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
