My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
