WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
