Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
