gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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