i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
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