so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
