Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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