my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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