so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I just forgot I was standing up.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
