I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
