my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Randomize
