I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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