Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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